?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous 10

Mar. 25th, 2014

102nd

Losing the Pregnancy

Notice that the word is "pregnancy" rather than "baby". On my first pre-natal visit to the doctor he asked me what was new. I said "The baby" and he came back with "And is the pregnancy going well?". I felt slightly chastised but had no real thought of this being anything but our baby.

This has been a roller coaster of emotion. Marathon Man and I had decided that 2013 was the last year of a possible 3rd baby. We already have a beautiful boy and a gorgeous girl and me turning 40 seemed a good time to adjust to being a family of 4. I was not happy inside about that decision but it really made sense physically. September saw the death of father-in-law and baby thoughts went by the wayside. By November I was coming around to ending child-bearing. If we only had Znerkie & Anerklette that would mean that Nana and Granddad would have known and loved both their grandchildren. Anerklette starts school next September and I am getting too tired and old for midnight wakings; Marathon Man and I have 2 arms - one for each kid; no trying to fit in a 3rd kids bedroom; being able to get away for a night's getaway with hubby last year was great...

Christmas Eve I was in the doctor's office confirming a pregnancy. Talk about getting in under the wire! Merry Christmas!! Now there was the subdued happiness and trying to keep it a secret, the thrill of finally telling Z & A about a new baby Bip growing, letting family know, realising how excited the kids were (Z could not keep his mouth shut about it in class), working out what baby stuff we still had in the basement. This baby was gravy. Marathon Man wanted a boy so that our oldest would be a boy, our youngest would be a boy and middle child would be the only girl. I wanted a girl. Mainly to be contradictory, I would have been thrilled either way.

After the first 3 months my dad came when I first heard the heartbeat of new baby and I allowed myself to imagine the soft fluffy head of a newborn, the tiny fists curling around a strand of my hair, the soft murmurings and cooings late at night. Mum & dad started thinking of coming over for the birth in August. The timing of the birth would have been great being late August and during school holidays so it meant a couple of weeks together as a family before the others headed off to school and baby and I could have alone time. It was perfect.

Spring Break. My pre-natal appointment was on the Tuesday, I had my family there to hear the heartbeat (no one but dad had made it the first time). We were in the waiting room for an hour. Z & A started getting very antsy so I sent them all out to the car for a spell while I waited. Of course, as soon as they walked out I was called into the office. Doctor arrived and I let him know that there was a contingent outside waiting to hear baby and hoped there would be enough room in his office for all of them. He listened for the heartbeat. I lay looking up at the soundproofing on the ceiling willing myself not to panic. He was very calm, assuring me that after 10 minutes of trying to find the heartbeat that it was nothing to be concerned about, the foetus might just be positioned so that the equipment couldn't penetrate the placenta so he sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. It was all very civilised and calm, nothing to worry about, just baby Bip playing hide and seek. I wanted the kids to come with me because I love seeing a heart beating on the ultrasound and see how tiny and perfect it looks. Marathon Man decided the kids had had enough hanging around and we'd meet everyone at home later.

The ultrasound technician reminded me of my great-aunt for some reason and she was nice and sweet and took the measurements with no indication of anything. Technicians are not allowed to give a report on what they see it has to go to the radiologist and then my doctor would inform me of the results himself.

At 3.00 the office called to see me at 4.40 that afternoon. I wasn't panicking, everything would be okay and we would know how big baby Bip had gotten, where s/he was hiding.

The doctor entered the room and I heard "Foetal Demise" and immediately started crying. Marathon Man was called in and I cried all over him. The foetus wasn't viable and hadn't grown in a month. The reality of what was happening hit me so hard. How were we going to tell Z & A, who were so looking forward to this little baby? My parents, Phuncle Phul, grandparents... This baby was our bright hope after the sadness of last year.

On Friday nothing physical had happened and I was scheduled for Uterine Evacuation. It was all rushed because instead of the afternoon a spot had become available in OR in the morning. I hustled to the hospital, was met every step of the way and had papers in front of me, tablets swallowed, explanations and soon I was on a table being wheeled to OR. I couldn't help but cry again. This was not the reason I expected to be admitted to Nanaimo Hospital, I was looking forward to my own labour/birthing room in the Maternity Ward and falling in love with our third baby. Now the stalled foetus was going to be extracted and I would go home completely empty.

I feel totally betrayed by my body. There was no indication that my nurturing womb had become a tomb. Even after I knew on Tuesday I still felt the effects of being pregnant.

I am raging at God. The gradual acceptance that there would be no more kids, the last minute miracle of pregnancy, allowing it to progress so far before ripping that hope away again. It seems like the cruelest of jokes. As we were telling people of our new addition the pregnancy was already over. We told someone the very morning before the devestating ultrasound that our family would be expanding.

I know we have 2 very healthy children already and I love them so much and I should get over this.
I know that losing a pregnancy happens a lot, it has happened to family members and friends.
I know that it was most likely nothing that I did to lose this.

I know I know I know all this and I still feel guilty and angry and so disappointed. I want to howl away this pain into the void, sit in front of mindless TV and not think, run to the edge of forever and jump over.

The break down will be scheduled for Wednesday.

Mar. 11th, 2014

102nd

So difficult

too difficult tonight. Bleargh. I NEVER expected parenting to be this hard and my lack of any interpersonal skills is constantly showed up.

Oh crapulous day. And this is nothing extraordinary

Nov. 22nd, 2013

Beloved Nan

FortySomething, something, something, something....

From here I start rolling down the other side of the hill.  Apparently.

There was no one big celebration.  After the events of September we didn't really feel like planning a major party and everything thus far has been subdued, Thanksgiving, Zach's Birthday.  Not entirely sure how Christmas is going to go this year.

Next year would be a good year for a party.  It suits my style to have a post-40th Birthday party anyway, the major "event" has passed.  I am NOT HAPPY to be 40.  I handled 30 fine but 40 is getting on, man.  Although in terms of experience I really am only 30, thanks to the 10 years of hibernating in my bedroom.  Mentally I still seem to be about 14, unsure, not confident and wondering how all these grown-ups get their experience and knowledge and place in life.  Faith-wise there has also been a knock because it is definitely not on that Marathon Man and Phuncle have lost both their parents so soon.

Anyway, my birthday month has been going for a while.  Remembrance Day is a holiday in Canada so my husband was home.  We ended up having a lovely afternoon and evening together (props to a hubby who takes the little woman to see Thor 2 on her birthday, what a treat!).  I got cards and pressies from the kids on the 12th and the 13th was our family get-together.  One present I received was a spa voucher.  I have now carte blanche to go any time and get a pedi/mani/facial or just shoot the works which will extend the party feel longer.  A Pterry Pratchett Discworld novel is coming out at the end of the month, Doctor Who 50th is tomorrow and Marathon Man & I will head for a night in Victoria to see Eddie Izzard so it seems the month of November has been specially catered for me.  At least, that's how I'm going to take it and, for now, that's enough.

Want to get a LOT of stuff out but a little Whee is creating art and I need to find some jewels for her to use.
Tags:

Sep. 5th, 2013

Beloved Nan

RIP Grandad

 God speed you on your way, Granddad.  Thank you for being my father from another continent, loving your two sons and your grandchildren and welcoming me into your family.

I am thankful that you got to see Znerkie learning to enjoy the water and Anerklette the wonders of fishing.

We will miss you very much xxxx

Aug. 29th, 2013

Beloved Nan

Status Quo

That is the situation of Marathon Man's father, Znerkie & Anerklette's Granddad.  In ICU after a cardiac arrest and oxygen-deprived induced brain damage since Saturday morning.  He is still with us but we have no idea in what capacity so everything is status quo.  There is no moving forward and, thankfully, no moving backwards.  We pray and we hope and we (I) get Angry.  This is so unexpected, so shocking, so soon after the loss of Nana...  So there is Anger.

Znerkie is not handling this well and how do I provide comfort to my little ones, my Marathon Man and my little brother when I can't comfort myself?  My mind is in a holding pattern, circling and circling.

Send prayers of healing down the prayer chains.

Nov. 5th, 2012

Primal Brian

Funkadelika

How long can this thing be dormant before it gives up the ghost??  I am certainly pushing its limits and I don't want to lose it.  Especially before I commit my past travels to a less ethereal format :P

Life goes on and around and up and down.  Sometimes very, very down.  Apparently last week Vancouver Island was rocked by an earthquake.  It was up at the northern tip though so we felt nothing of the quake here and the possible tsunamis never eventuated. Considering how the east coast has been ravaged by Hurricane Sandy and the Frankenstorm it seems even more of a blessing to have missed any kind of climactic cataclysm.  Oh, that sounds facetious instead of insightful but I really do appreciate what a wonderful part of the world we are in.

Looking forward to having the floks over here again in less than a month.  Must get started on writing the ToDo list for father.  We have a lot of garden clean up to do after I hacked into some trees during our extended summer weather.  The blue spruces did need a sprucing up, they look quite tired and some of the lower branches were hazardous to visitors as they came up the stairs.  Not that an extra barrier to visitors ever really bothered me *ahem*  And I wonder why no one wants to be my friend!

May. 18th, 2012

Mermaid

Not so little Whee

Today is the first day that I leave little Anerklette at a class by herself.  It is with the wonderful Miss D (and Miss A subbing today) whom little Whee adores.

As expected, our girl looked forward to the class, asked me as soon as she woke she up when we could leave and kept talking about what she would do there.  That is:  dance, play, wiggle her bum and sing.  She was taking it all in her stride with only a little bit of nervousness as we waited in the hallway for the door to open.  There were lots of people in the hallway, what with parents and younger siblings all there as well, so she stuck pretty close to my leg.  As soon as Miss D opened the door though she walked straight in and chatted with Miss A.

My plan was to leave as soon as Anerklette's things were packed in her cubby but I had to fill in a medical form that the internet registration doesn't provide and when I looked around my little Whee was sitting alone on a chair looking lost.  As big as she is getting she is still baby girl and I wanted to grab the other kids and point out to them what a special person they have in their midst, a funny, caring, creative, adorable girl who will be a true friend and a great playmate.  Why couldn't the other 3 - 4 y.o.'s see that????

Anerklette came over and asked me if she could play with the baby doll in a subdued way and I told her that she could play with any of the toys and games.  I helped her on with a blue princess blouse, pointed out where the blue shoes were that she asked for and then one last hug and I was out the door.

In the hallway a mother whom I'd met in earlier Pooh Bears classes was looking as brochures on the table with her youngest and we chatted for a few minutes.  It was good to catch up but our minds were both on our girls in the classroom, prolonging the departure in case we were needed in a hurry.

Miss D came out of the room needing to cut up some board on the office guillotine and I felt like I'd been caught out as a hovering mother so I walked to the office with her and on to the carpark.

Here I am, alone in the house and nowhere to be for another hour.  There are so many things I could be doing without little helping hands to assist but today I would like to enjoy some 'Me' time (er, after updating my blog of course).  Next week I can do some volunteering at the school library maybe or vacuum the floors or get a load of dishes done.  But that's next week.

May. 7th, 2012

zbooties

Welcome new ?-Cuz

CONGRATULATIONS to my cuzes on the birth of their 3rd baby!!!  Born on May the Fourth this boy is yet to be named.  Surely Luke  is top of the babyname list :D

Hanging out to see new photos and maybe meet the little guy over Skype one day soon.

May. 4th, 2012

Beloved Nan

Wiggly brainstorming

So I reckon the wiggles need another female character and I've come up with Captain Flowerpatch.  She is the sister of Captain Feathersword and her eyepatch is in the shape of a flower.  She could wear royal purple waistcoat and hot pink pirate pants.  She captains the SS Bluebell and her crew wear Jeff Wiggle purple like her coat.

It is hailing here today.  I am so tired and crazed today.

Apr. 5th, 2012

Primal Brian

Au Revoir my parentals

Mum & dad are currently somewhere over Hawaii now back to the Great Southern Land.  I definitely would not have coped this winter without their assistance.  After tearing my meniscus in January I was housebound for aaaages and would not have healed at all if they had not been around to do the running around necessary with 2 kids under 6.

They've been there to commiserate with us and brainstorm after we found the shower leaking into the basement and dad pruned all the major trees for us.  Which means that we can look across the road into the windows of the new townhouses currently being built!  Time for new curtains, hey?

Znerkie was in denial yesterday but hi new plan is to steal an army jet and bring Gramma&Grampa back to Canada tomorrow.  Anerklette still hasn't grasped the idea that they won't be around every day or two.  Visits from 3rd cousins for the past couple of days and the promise of Phuncle at Easter is keeping her entertained for now.

I wish I could say the same!  My mood has been so down since I injured myself that even after being on the mend I don't want to move.  Spending the day with my blanket over my head is not proper parenting.  I found it so frustrating that instead of being on my way to fitness I wrecked my knee in the first week and went strides backwards in my health (mental and physical).

I miss Australia, there are so many of the new generation that I haven't met yet, barely even had photos recently.  Seeing that mass of Mattes playing together was great and brought back my memories of the back room at Nan & Pa's and the cushion fights we'd have.  There was a particular cushion, tapestry front, satin back and filled with heavy feathers that would make a satisfying THUD on the side of the target's head.

It was different in WA because we were such well-behaved little girls together (ahem) and when the boys were born I was a teen and more interested in babying the babies they were.

Must go and assist my own Not-So-Baby now.

Safe travel to everyone, seabound and airbound xx

Previous 10